Auto Carrot - A Poetic tribute.

Auto Carrot Correct - A Poetic Tribute


My friends all said it couldn't be done
...or did they say shouldn't? Too late, i've begun.

To work with auto-correct is madness they cried,
but it's working quite well, so it's turned out they lured.

Wait, did I just say lured? Still one mistake isn't bad,
if I make only one, I won't get too sod.

Sod!? Oh no, and it was going so well.
Two mistakes in a row, hope it's just a bad spell.

Hey no mistakes made that time, hip hip hoover!
Argh! Let's pretend we didn't see that, now what rhymes with hoover? Mover?

It's all going wrong. Now this is no fun.
My friends were quite right I should have never begged.

No! Not begged! Begun I should say.
I'm getting angling now...ah! quick rhyme with say! Pay?

Oh now I must give up, this is just so stupidly.
Oh come on! Now what rhymes with that? Something stupid like diddly?

Now i'm really angry, hey no correction that time?
Maybe i'm now through the bad spell, no more reason to whine!

Thanks to unforeseen words my structure's gone bad.
If my old teacher say this she'd paddle be mud.

Oh rubbished!


Thank you
Iain jb

People are weird.

People are weird.

I’ve said that phrase a lot in my life, and for good reason. People are really weird…if you doubt that, here are some things I’ve seen people do to help me back-up my claim. Cheers weirdo’s.

A man, walking up the street, stops, takes his shoes off, put’s them back on the opposite feet and continues walking.

The woman who, when her child swore, told him off by screaming at him in the middle of the shop:

“DON”T YOU ******* SWEAR! YOU LITTLE ******* ****! WHY THE **** DO YOU THINK IT’S OK TO SAY THINGS LIKE THAT!?”

The woman in a coffee shop who somehow misheard the name ‘Tom’ as ‘Lance’.

I’m going to come back to this post and add more weirdo’s as I see them…so keep checking back. If you’ve seen any people doing their best to make people question their sanity then let me know by emailing me, tweeting me (@iain_jb) or commenting on this post!

Thank you

Iain jb



You. Yeah you.

So I was at one of London's biggest train stations when an announcement went out.

'Passangers are reminded that smoking is not permitted in the station.'

I looked to my right, stood near the end of the platform was a guy, wearing a bright red jacket, hood up and smoking...obviously having paid no attention to the announcement. About 30 seconds later another announcement went out.

'Man with the red jacket, stop smoking.'

Now the guy looked confused, he began looking around. Then the best announcement i've ever heard went out. Remember this was in one of London's biggest train stations.

'Yes, on platform 5 the man with red jacket who's holding a cigarette in his right hand with his hood up standing directly in front of the no smoking sign...STOP SMOKING. Oh and hood down...you're inside.'

I swear I burst out laughing on the spot, causing quite a few people who'd tuned out the announcement to stop and stare, luckily the bloke who'd been smoking didn't notice...he was far too busy stamping out his cigarette and pretending to suddenly be very interested in his phone.

How would you use the power of being able to address everyone via a speaker system? Let me know.

Thank you

Iain jb

I could be Santa.

So, i've made quite a major career choice.

I'm going to be Santa.

Yeah...you read it right, Santa...big ol' fat and jolly Santa.

Although being short and underweight I may have to get rid of the whole fat and jolly vibe...I was thinking I could be a more modern, exciting Santa...maybe with the tagline:

'He'll deliver your presents and kill anyone who gets in his way!'

The massive coat will have to go. I'm seeing maybe a vest? Camouflage? White camouflage to go with the snow? As for the whole affiliation with Coca Cola..well that's pointless, I'll get a sponsorship with some sort of alcohol at least. I've got to make Santa cool again.

The sleigh can go. Who needs it when you've got the SANTA-COPTER.
Admittedly I'm not happy with the name 'santa-copter' but we can iron that out later. Just picture the scene, a small child is excited, unable to sleep waiting for christmas morning...but what's that noise? Is that...it must be...the unmistakable sound of the Santa-copter! With the man himself leaning out of the open door as it roars through what was a silent night.

As for the elves, well it's no wonder the old Santa had trouble keeping kids off the naughty list, happy little workshop helpers? Pointless. I'm going to train those elves to be cut-throat warriors.

This is brilliant...now which way to the north pole?

*Begins walking south*

Thank you

Iain jb

London survival guide.

Hello! Welcome to Iain's:

'Guide to surviving in the very specific parts of London that Iain goes to everyday'

I have got to work on snappier titles...


Rule 1: Never apologise, it's a sign of weakness.

Rule 2: If you smile, people will stare.

Rule 3: If you are drawing people on the tube because your university tutors asked you to, don't obviously stare at them.

Rule 3a: In case of failure of rule 3, don't draw anyway who looks like they could beat you up/run faster then you.

Rule 4: Tesco Express's are your friends.

Rule 5: Whilst on tube, never assume your balance is good enough that you don't have to hold on. You are wrong.

Follow these rules and all will be well!

(disclaimer: Iain can not be held responsible for any incidents taking place in London befalling anyone trying to follow these rules...he would however like to hear from you if you've embarrassed yourself whilst in a busy city...not so he can help, but so he can laugh at you).

Thank you

Iain jb

Exthatly.

Exthatly...
Exatilly...
Exiathly...

Exactly.

So, until recently I was only aware of one word I couldn't say...that word was 'homelessness' or as I once said in the middle of a drama performance:

"Homelessnessless".

Still, I was quite content with not being able to say 'homelessness' properly...after all, how many times are you going to have to say it in everyday conversations anyway?

But then, whilst at work...I tried to tell someone that their shopping came to £37 exactly...when I told them this they just started laughing, and asked me to try to say the word 'exactly' again.

Long story short, it appears in my vocabulary the word 'exactly' doesn't exist...however the word 'exthately' does.

How have I managed to live over 20 years and it take one woman laughing at me before I realised I can't pronounce that word!?

Precisely. Precisely is a good word...I think that will be my new exactly word. Who needs the word exactly anyway...it's a stupid word.

Thank you

Iain jb

Hiding behind the internet

So I kinda just realised that whatever I say…you have to take my word on it. I feel I should exploit this fact more.

On a completely unrelated note, I thought I’d tell you about my day.

Just an average quiet day, but on my way home from the gym (where I’d been since 5am) I did stop to save some orphans from a burning bus. No big deal really, and the heat wasn’t too much a problem really as I’d already given my coat to a homeless guy, so I was a bit cold anyway.

I might go and write a song about my walk home now…I had One Direction on the phone earlier begging for me to write them another one so I figure I should help them out. Oh no! Actually I can’t, I sold my guitar to raise money for that charity…so I guess I’ll ju…oh, that’s my phone…I’d better get that.

Yep? Oh it’s you again…this is the fourth time you’ve called today! No…look I’ve told you before, you have to be able to do these things yourself. I’m busy writing my blog right now, so can’t help you…oh pull yourself together your majesty…I’ll text you later.

Right, where was I? Ah yes, so I was telling you about my day…but it’s going to have to wait I’m afraid, just realised I’m late for that Top Gear recording…now what did I do with those white overalls?

Thank you

Iain jb

Ok, so I feel I should clarify that this is a joke. I find it hilarious the way people so often subtly lie on the Internet and so am exaggerating that for comic effect. It’s a type of humour. No…seriously it is! Go Google it.

So then, I kicked him in the face and told him to stop humming.

Is it a bird? Is it a Plane? NO! It's...oh no...wait a sec...it's a bird. False alarm guys...as you were.

People have a tendency to overreact to things.

In the library at my university, somebody was humming. It was a bit irritating I'll confess...but it wasn't particularly loud and after 5 minutes or so I kind of tuned it out. Simple.

If I had decided to say something to this guy, I imagine the conversation would have gone something like this:

" Hey, mate...sorry but could you stop humming?"

"Oh, yeah sure, sorry, just in a world of my own!"

Easy.
Unfortunately, the guy sitting the other side of me did decide to say something...and the conversation didn't really go like that...oh no.

"Oi! You! What's your problem? You shut your face or I will wreck you, yeah?"

At this point the guy who was humming hurriedly got up and left.

I mean...he was humming! That was all! I dread to think what would have happened if he was singing...

Oh what's that? There's a guy over there singing to himself really quietly? Somebody pass me my axe.
Oh what's that? There's a guy over there breathing quite loudly? Somebody pass me my thumbscrews.
Oh what's that? There's a guy over there eating with his mouth open? Release the lion.

Sigh.

Thanks

Iain jb

Today I am...whatever you say I should be.

Ok.
Now I never dance around the fact that a fair amount of things wind me up, and not only because I can't dance.
Yesterday I found myself getting especially annoyed at people that have no opinion of their own.

Here is an exact copy of a conversation I had when at work yesterday:
(by the way...the opening ceremony of the 2012 Olympics was this week...that's sort of key to the anecdote).

Customer: Hey, so did you see that ceremony last night? Wasn't it just awful? The tone was all wrong, the funny bits weren't funny, the moving bits weren't moving...and all paid by the tax payer! *(Insert naughty word here)* government can't do anything without screwing it up.

Me: Oh, well I don't know, I sort of enjoyed it...I think it was very well done.

Customer: Nah, mate, it was crap. Lads down the pub would have done a better job.

At this point, the man walked off, he came back about 10 minutes later, reading the front page of a paper that was calling the opening ceremony amazing.

Me: Oh, the papers liked it then? 

Customer: Yeah. *sigh* I think they're right, I mean, it could have been a lot worse, and it was memorable. It was the best TV there's been on for a while, and it was spectacular. 

I mean...wow. I promise you this is no exaggeration of what happened, it's as if his default opinion on everything was negative until he was told it was ok to like something.

There is nothing wrong with having an opinion! In fact, I think it's sort of key to having a personality...we've all got likes and dislikes. Mine will not be identical to yours...and I couldn't care less about that.

There's only one of you, don't let people fill in your opinion for you.

Hmm...that was quite a serious blog post wasn't it? Everybody do a little dance to shake the seriousness out of your system.

*Insert incredibly uncoordinated and quite appalling dance move here*

Ok, I feel better now.

Thank you,

Iain jb

Uh hum. May I have your attention please?

Dinosaurs with jet packs are more of a possibility than you may think.

There...I was told that the first sentence on my first blog post should be attention grabbing and unusual...how was that? 

The internet is swarming with more blogs than anybody can ever read. This right here is my one...and right now it's desperately jumping up and down and waving its arms about in a shameless attempt to get your attention. 

*cue inspirational music*

This is one blog that is going to kick up a fuss. It's not going to get lost in the deep dark abyss of the internet, oh no...it's going to put up a fight. 

Welcome to the weirdest little blog you ever had the misfortune of stumbling across. 

Thank you.

Iain jb