Me in a nutshell - Conversations with myself

Before I start, I would like to make it clear that I have never and will never attempt to fit myself inside a nutshell. I just don't see that happening. This is a totally serious post with no chance of being stupid in the slightest.

'Me in a nutshell' is, in this case (and every other case ever), just a saying.

Ok So Hi. I'm Iain.

Yay Iain!

Wait? What? Who said that?

Yaaa! I did...it's 'way too much sugar Iain'!

What? 'Way too much sugar Iain?' Weren't you only featured quickly in one post last week? The one about the different sides of me? You're still here?! 

Indeedy! The one and only! Hey hey hey...you know like, you should like laugh more and stufffffff!

No. I'm busy, i'm trying to write an informed, sensible post abou....

...Boooorrrriiinnnngggggg! *dances* *falls* *gets up* *dances again*

You are awful at dancing. Seriously, like...just stop. Go away.

Daanncccing is funnnn!

You call that dancing?! That is not dancing...you're embarrassing me.

Yeah? Well your Mr Boring from boring town, boringland! *blows raspberry*

There is no reasoning with you. I give up. Hang on...I just remembered, you were just a quick joke...how are you even here? You're just an aspect of my personality?

Well there was some sciency thing and science happened and now i'm all typey typey..yaaayyy!

What? "Typey typey yaaayyy"? What are you talki....oh forget it, doesn't matter.

IainIainIainIainIainIai....you know you have a stupid name....and it's all spelt funny! Hahaha!

Wait but we have the same name...YOU ARE ME FOR GOODNESS SAKE.

I am he as you are he as you are meAnd we are all togetheeeerr. See how they runnn like pigs from a gun see how they flyyy...

You know, this was supposed to be a post that gave a good idea of what I was like for the lovely readers.

Umm...normal Iain?

Yes 'way too much sugar Iain'?

I think it is.

Fair point.

Thank you

Iain jb

The many sides of me

So depending on the situation i'm in, i'll find myself speaking differently to how I might normally speak. I imagine this is true for most people on some level. As a quick experiment for me to waste time before my lecture...here are some of the many sides of me.



Me:

Hi, me here...this is just a quick test to look at how the way I speak changes depending on the situation i'm in. Should be fun.

'Telephone Voice' Me:

Hello, Iain speaking. Just a quick call to make you aware of this test i'm conducting. It revolves around how my speech changes to reflect the the situations i'm currently in. I'm pretty sure it will be quite enjoyable to complete.

Me with friends:

You alright? Hey, did I tell you about this stupid test thing I'm doing? Basically I'm just looking at how I type and speak differently in different situations. I know right? Dull.


Way too much sugar Me:

YAAA! Yeah, it's really cool, i'm going to like, err, do a test yeah? It's gonna be so coooool!! It's all about speaking differently in different situations and it's gonna be aweeesssommmee!!! I wonder if I can moonwalk? *tries to moonwalk*   *fails to moonwalk*  NOOO I can't moonwalk....What was I saying, oh yeah! Cool test! Gonna be fun!

Presenting at Uni Me:

Hi, can you all hear me at the back? I just want to make you aware of this exciting new test. The test itself has been devised with great care and consideration and I feel answers many long standing, unanswered questions in it's field. Taking influence from many famous historical figures, the test aims to determine how much I change when speaking in different situations. I'm hoping to achieve a clear distinction between the segments of speech, which would, for me, be considered as a positive outcome.


6am Me:

Sshhhhh. It's a test thing, now shut up. Five more minutessssszzz...



Well. I'd say that was a successful test.

Thank you

Iain jb  (x6)

We're all just kids pretending to be what we think adults should be.

So in the U.K this week we've had a lot of strange stuff falling from the sky. Sites like Facebook and Twitter have reliably informed me that this is called 'snow' or possibly 'OMG snow!!!' as I often see it referred to as.

It has become apparent that people either hate going out in snow, or are unable to go put in snow...or so they tell me. Thing is, my Sherlock like detective skills tell me that this is clearly untrue.

Yes my friends, this is the second story recently that starts with me standing at work.

So I was working very hard, as I always do because I'm practically perfect in every single way.

Stop laughing. 

Suddenly, a wild customer appeared. She embarked on a rant about how she hated the snow, how she desperately didn't want to come out in it...but she just had to so she could get her shopping.    She was buying just one item: Gingerbread men. Granted, they are tasty...but by no means essential. So this whole not wanting to go out in the snow thing? A blantent lie.

During the course of that one day I had a few customers say the same sort of thing to me about the snow...here is a list of some of the 'essentials' these people brought:

Gingerbread men

Fruit pastels

A singular bottle of cider

A lottery ticket for a weeks time

A bunch of bannana's

and a cuddly toy.

I am aware that sounds like a reference to 'The Generation Game' but seriously, someone did buy what they considered an 'essential' cuddly toy. It's so weird I can't even be annoyed.

If you don't want to go out in the snow, don't go out in the snow. If you do want to go out in the snow, don't pretend that you don't, we're all just kids pretending to be what we think adults should be.

Now go make snowmen.

Is it just our country that's this weird or is it a global thing?

Thank you

Iain jb

but I do feel obliged...

So this is something that happened to me last year, I remembered it and thought I should write it on here...and I promise you this is absolutely true.

So I work part time in a super market.
Unfortunately, whilst most customers are friendly enough, you do, inevitably, get some idiots every now and again.

So one day, I was working incredibly hard.
Ok, so I working quite hard.
Ok, I was working hard.
Ok, so I was playing catch with a rolled up carrier bag.

A man approached me, wanting to pay for some stuff...as you might expect in a shop.

Before he put his card in the little machine to pay, despite me having said only a friendly hello, the man suddenly, and very loudly, said:

"Right young man. Before I pay, I want to make it clear that I will not need telling when to put my card in, when to put my PIN in, when to take my card out, or anything else! I am an adult and I am sick of people in shops patronising me and treating me as if I don't know how to pay for my shopping!:

I was speechless...but I agreed to remain silent and the man, looking incredibly smug, put his card in the machine.

I waited. Nothing came up on the screen. I looked down at the card. I tried very very hard to keep a straight face, which I just about managed to do. I waited a good 15 seconds before clearing my throat, leaning forward and simply saying, in the most patronising voice I could:

"Excuse me sir...I know you didn't want any help and that you are perfectly capable...but I do feel obliged to tell you that you've put your card in the wrong way."

A look of horror on his face, he slowly closed his eyes, grimaced and slowly removed his card and put it the right way round. All whilst turning a truly incredible shade of red.

"Well...THAT was embarrassing" he muttered as he finished his transaction and left.

Moments like that make working in a shop worth it.

Thank you

Iain jb

Shameless promotion.

Time for some blatant, undisguised and shameless self promotion.

 I just wrote a piece for 'universityblogspot.com'

It's all about how to stay focused on work...which apparently i'm very bad at.

So for talk of Afro's, throwing your phones through windows and Quavers, go and check it out!

http://www.universityblogspot.com/procrastination-a-student-insight/

Well? Go on. It's like something i'd write on here....but it's over there! So get clicking that link people.

Thank you

Iain jb

Well that was odd behavour

Just a quick post because something weird just happened and I feel I should share it...
This all happened literally 5 minutes ago.

So a lady just put her arm out for a bus to stop. So the bus stopped and opened it's doors directly infront of the woman.
The woman looked the bus driver right in the eyes...she held his gaze for a good five seconds.
Then she grinned, turned around and silently walked away.
What has happened here is the bus equivilent of knocking on someones front door and running away.
The bus driver, looking incredibly bemused, then shouted out:
"You on drugs lady!?"
Then looked out at me (who was waiting at the bus stop) and said in a matter of fact tone:
"She's blatantly a druggee. Don't do drugs mate? Ok?"
He shut his door and drove off.
London. That's all i'm saying.

Thank you

Iain jb

I.A.Q's (Infrequently Asked Questions) - Part 2

Part 2!

If you didn't read part 1 (with questions involving Einstein, Robin Van Persie, talking spiders and out of tune pianos) go and read it here before you read part 2:

http://lifeisorganisedchaos.blogspot.co.uk/2013/04/iaqs-infrequently-asked-questions-part-1.html

Anyway, so ready for more infrequently asked questions fresh from the mind's of my Facebook friends?

Slightly scared. Also having quickly glanced at the questions I feel I may need to revise my standard of friend. But let's get on with it.

Do bananas feel naked when we've peeled them?

Oh that's an easy one! I imagine when you peel a banana it's first thoughts would be something more along the lines of:
"OH GOD I'M GOING TO BE EATEN." 
Or 
"*gasp* I CAN BREATHE! FINALLY!"
Rather then:
"Hmm...I do feel rather exposed, I'm awfully embarrassed."

Like I said, easy question...next!

Do houses miss us when we're out?

Oh. Errr...I'm going to go with yes.
If I were a house (that's something I never thought i'd say) I think having somebody walking around doing things would at least be something to watch. I'd get so bored when nobody was in...just sitting there. Silently. 

In fact the other day I got home and realised my house had been crying, and so it must of missed me! Case solved.

(EDIT: Turned out to be rain and a leaky roof, so case unsolved. Sorry.)

If you dropped a Delorean from the sky and it hit 88mph would it go to the centre of the earth?

No. I applaud you're 'Back to the Future reference but it pains me to say no for a couple of reasons. Firstly, you don't specify which Delorean...if this is just a regular car and not the 'Back to the Future' car...you'd simply end up with a mess. Secondly, if this was, indeed, the Delorean which can travel through time from the film series (which by the way was destroyed in the third film anyway) it can only travel in time, not space...so you'd still end up with a giant mess...only this time you'd have a very squished Doc Brown and Marty McFly inside. 

Hmm...that was a depressing answer. I don't like that answer. I'm going to change my answer to yes. Just because it would be cooler. 

Yes.

Does a television watch us when it's on?

*shudder*
That's a creepy thought. 
But I can say no. No a TV does not watch us when it's on. That would be ridiculous.

A computer however...

And now before we all get involved in a dodgy poorly constructed webcam based horror film plot it's time to say goodbye.



If I didn't answer your question don't be offended or anything, I ended up picking at random...but if I get a few more anytime in the future I'll make sure to go back to answer some of the ones I missed too.

Now where else could you find a blog that includes the lines:

"if you peel a banana it's first thoughts would be"
"if I were a house"
 and "a very squished Doc Brown"

all in one post?

*waves*

Thank you
Iain jb

I.A.Q's (Infrequently Asked Questions) - Part 1

Ok. You know F.A.Q's?

Frequently asked questions will usually comprise of boring, sensible questions that people need to know the answers to.

That's just boring.

Hence, I asked people I know to ask me the most ridiculous, stupid, pointless questions they could think of so instead of having an F.A.Q's section I could have some all together pointless I.A.Q's (infrequently asked questions).


Unfortunately, I didn't really consider how strange people are...and so ended up with so many question I've had to split my answers to them down into 2 sections. Section 1 incoming. Deep breaths. Here we go.

If people could talk to spiders, do you still think they'd be scared of them?

Well, this very much depends on the voice spiders would have. In my head these spiders are all talking like super villains, mono-logging about how they are going to destroy the world...if that's how they'd speak...well it wouldn't do much  to ease fears. However, what if these spiders are all speaking in squeaky high voices about how much they love ice cream and bouncy castles? Well that's a different matter. Next questi....wait, what? What do you mean I have to have an answer? Let's say yes. Because...well...yes. 


Could I beat Robin Van Persie (Dutch football/soccer player) at swingball?

Yes. I was chatting to him earlier about swing-ball (as you do) and he was saying he's awful at it. So unless you don't have any arms you should be able to beat him at the very manly game of swing-ball  Oh and play violently. I can think of nothing funnier than R.V.P having to go to training the next day and saying "Oh sorry, I got injured during a particularly aggressive game of the kids game swing-ball".   

What was Albert Einsteins favourite disco tune? (Seriously where are people getting these questions from?)

I've never really had Einstein down as a disco guy...I believe he played the violin. Violins are high pitched...logical progression...he'd probably be a big fan of the Bee Gee's. A violin has four strings. Is there a Bee Gee's song with a four word title? YES! 'You Should Be Dancing' would have been Albert Einsteins favourite disco tune. Dance Albert dance. Pure logic there. Big Al would be proud. 

Disclaimer: I very much doubt Einstein would be proud...more likely he'd give me a condescending look for referring to him as 'Big Al' and then put me in my place with a ridiculously clever put-down. 



Have you ever broken your piggy bank in an incident involving an out of tune piano and a sausage dog? (Hey, I said 'INfrequently asked questions!'

No.

Although I did once break my piggy bank in an incident involving an out of tune piano and an under-cooked hot dog. 


Right. That's section 1 out of the way. If you think you have some good answers to these questions please write these down and email them to me at iainboswell@gmail.com   I'd like to see responses. Now if you'll excuse me I now have an image of a super villain spider with a twirly moustache in my head and I think I need a lie down.

Thank you

Iain jb

PART 2: http://lifeisorganisedchaos.blogspot.co.uk/2013/04/iaqs-infrequently-asked-questions-part-2.html